Not Feeling The Christmas Cheer
It’s been a difficult year and while I wish I could say that with Christmas around the corner everything feels merry and jolly… but at least for me, it doesn’t.
I am feeling tired… like I can sleep as much as I want but it’s not enough. I am feeling unhappy… like I can do anything to cheer myself up but it’s not enough. I am feeling bored… like any task is not getting me excited enough. I am feeling disappointed because my thoughts are telling me that I don’t fit in here. My mind is telling me that maybe I should just quit and take off to some remote place and start from scratch — pretend like this bad patch didn’t happen. But what is this bad patch? I can’t put my finger on it. Maybe it’s the pandemic which is now seriously hitting me. Maybe I am PMSing and that’s making me cry for no reason 3 times a day. Maybe it’s that I work in inbound travel which is non-existent right now. Maybe it’s my complicated love life or maybe it’s just the cold that is making me feel uncomfortable.
I told myself that I’ll give myself time. I’ll write down all my feelings and then after 2/3 days, I’ll check in with myself again and see how things are going. Am I still feeling as lazy, irritable, easily triggered, upset and unhappy or was it just a passing feeling?
Maybe I just had it lucky all these years… I didn’t PMS so much. I had a lot of people surrounding me so loneliness didn’t really set in. I was achieving something and my confidence was building. I was a star student and I got a lot of attention from myself. I used to think of myself as a happy person who gets excited about buying gifts and watching tv and eating chips at 11pm. Even at the age of 25, eating chips at 11pm felt like breaking the rules and was fun and exciting! And here I am at 26 thinking that I haven’t found myself. Maybe this is what people call a quarter life crisis or maybe I have just grown up too much and I miss the happy, childish person I used to be. Maybe no one is checking to see if I am eating chips at 11pm so it’s not as fun anymore. If at the age of 26 I miss being a kid, I can’t imagine what it’s going to feel like at the age of 62!
Maybe this is just my Monday blues talking… although I felt much worse on Sunday so maybe it’s the end of the year blues talking. I don’t really know. But one thing that has seemed to stay constant even during this period of not feeling like a ‘happy person’ is that writing makes me feel better. There is something about putting my thoughts down on paper and letting them flow that gives me clarity and makes me feel lighter.
I am not going to force myself to feel the Christmas cheer but I am going to write and express whatever I can to see if I can discover where all this is stemming from… maybe it’s a passing thought or maybe it’s here to stay. Either way, it’s time to dig a little deeper and live a life where I don’t keep feeling tired and unhappy and bored and disappointed. I used to be that person who told people that life is beautiful — you just have to look in the right places. I don’t know what 2021 is going to bring but I definitely don’t want to start the new year feeling all this… so between looking in the right places for beauty and digging deeper to find the reason behind my feelings, I’m going get through this — maybe not today but I most definitely want to be the happy person in the room again and not the irritable teenager who finds a flaw with everything around.
Ready to turn over the chapter of 2020!
