To My Daughter (Part 1)

I don’t know why I want to have a daughter someday. Sometimes I think about whether having children is even something I am ready for. I spent years writing about how if you’re not ready to have children, don’t have them… because to have a “parent” not being present and not parenting their child is one of the most heartbreaking experiences some children have to face.

Sometimes I get scared because I wouldn’t want to disappoint myself or my daughter by not being an incredible parent. But even with all my fears and apprehensions, I know that I am deeply disappointed by the way women are raising women today — believing they can wear whatever they want, yet questioning their decisions every step of the way… believing that they have a choice to choose their partner, yet socially conditioning them to “want” certain things from that partner… believing that they have the choice to get married or not, yet constantly reminding them about the people their age who are married and “settled”… believing that they have the choice to stay or leave a marriage, yet instilling in them the idea that their life will in some way be degraded if they choose to leave.

Socially constructed ideas of being someone’s wife… of being someone’s mother… of being an equally contributing financial partner… it’s a lot that I see women face every single day. And it’s so painful when they think they need or want something that they don’t… it’s just something society has drilled into them.

And I am no exception to this. I am sure that society has instilled certain rules and norms in me that I cannot disconnect from. I am sure that what people think of me has shaped who I am today. I am sure that my idea of happiness is determined by the stories society taught me growing up.

And I think, that’s why I’m scared. I want to have a daughter someday but I don’t want to teach her the same lessons that society taught me. I want to teach her things that society shies away from teaching you as a child… things that I also want to tell my younger self that maybe nobody told me at the time.

So here it goes…

1. It’s okay to feel scared. Everyone feels scared even if they don’t talk about it.
2. Surround yourself with people who are caring and supportive. It doesn’t matter which school they go to or what they wear or what language they speak.
3. Always keep learning — meet new people, travel the world, watch all kinds of movies, read different perspectives. You can never know it all. The world is a beautiful place filled with incredibly inspiring stories.
4. Life is very long, and you don’t need to have all the answers today.
5. If you want to dance, don’t let an empty dance floor scare you. Dance your heart out — movement is one of the most therapeutic experiences in the world.
6. It’s always okay to say no. It’s also okay to say yes and then change your mind and say no.
7. Trust your instinct, and don’t take advise from everybody. A lot of people have no idea what you’re going through and just give advice because they don’t know what else to do.
8. Don’t be in relationships that don’t make you feel safe or where you have to pretend to be someone you’re not.
9. There are going to be some bad days… don’t try and brush them under the carpet. Allow yourself to feel everything you’re feeling and always remember that it will pass.
10. You can’t change a person’s perspective overnight. Even if you feel they are wrong, don’t force them to agree with you. Try and understand where their belief comes from and how you can empathise and show them the other side of the situation.
11. Just be yourself. Everything else will fall into place eventually.

There is so much more that I want to say. And I’m sure there is a lot that I have completely forgotten about but will remember later and feel it’s even more important than what I have already said. But that’s okay… this is just a start. I definitely know that I’m not having a daughter this year so I have a lot of time to write many of these ❤