9 Ways To Uncomplicate Love
I recently shared 9 Reasons Why Love Feels Complicated To Us. I must admit I felt fairly impressed with myself for being able to put all the confusion and overthinking from my head into an organized set of points. As I reached the end of that draft, I discovered that actually what people may prefer to read is how to uncomplicate love. Otherwise, my stories will start seeming similar to when we visit our google-doctor for a diagnosis — causes galore but treatment is just 2 lines.
So here I go with my 9 Ways To Uncomplicate Love — very personal but backed by some research so don’t dismiss them completely :) Each one is linked to a reason in my previous story so feel free to read that one first!
1 — Building our own self-esteem
I don’t really know when we started to let compliments from other people define the way we viewed ourselves. And then, if we face any kind of rejection, not only do we start questioning if we are ‘good enough’ but also fall into his heartbreak inspired deep well of shame.
The aim is not, to figure out how to come out of that deep well. The aim is to avoid falling into it in the first place. Write down 5 qualities about yourself that make you special, look at yourself in the mirror and smile, spend two minutes power posing, give yourself a pat on the back, write your name and signature on paper pretending you are a celebrity, wear your favourite clothes and dance for fun — anything and everything that makes you feel good about yourself.
2 — Understanding ourselves
In my previous story I mentioned how love feels complicated because we haven’t uncomplicated ourselves. Well, the time to start is now. Take a sheet of paper and draw yourself on it — doesn’t have to be a human figure — it’s more about how you would represent yourself, find your song, write down how you’re feeling (if that’s a hard one, use this feeling wheel to help name the feeling/s), talk to a friend about the challenges that you have faced, identify your triggers, spend some time talking to yourself, or even buy a self exploration journal. It’s not always going to end in eureka moments but it will most definitely connect us more to ourselves. Sometimes I simply paint on a blank canvas, while sipping my comfort chai and listening to my kind of music.
3 — Expressing ourselves and communicating mindfully
This is probably one of the hardest. Many of us hide our feelings, don’t always say what we want, and communicate in a very poor way. The misconception is that if we truly express what we are feeling, it’s selfish and rude. And many of us then choose to maintain ‘relationship harmony’ by hiding our feelings.
Communicating mindfully starts with the words that we use. During a fight I may say “You are always so stupid”/ “You never understand my point of view”/ “You are rude to me”/ “I hate you.” A lot of the statements we make have this permanent and universal theme. Is he ALWAYS so stupid? Does she NEVER understand my point of view?
What we want to say is this: I feel ______ (try and see the impact of the action on you) that you did/didn’t _______ (what is the specific action that was done and when was it done). Eg: I feel hurt that you didn’t stand up for me back at the restaurant when your friend made a rude joke about me or I feel disappointed when you forgot to pick up the groceries yesterday for the 3rd time in a row.
It’s also helpful to write a letter. Once you write it, read it again to see if you actually mean every single word you have written. The same can be done with a voice note as well. Sometimes even just writing our feelings down makes us feel lighter and we realize that we don’t even have to send the letter to the person — just getting it out of our system and expressing it on paper makes us feel better.
4 — Creating romantic spaces together
Romance is a little misunderstood. It doesn’t have to be about candle lit dinners or movies to watch together. It’s more about not waiting for your partner to be that hero from the movie who says and does something perfectly! Instead, creating those spaces together. Why do I have to wait for my partner to plan a holiday I want or take me to a concert? Why can’t I say, ‘I know you like camping. So do I. Let’s take some time off from work next month and go for it!’ Sometimes we get so busy in our day to day life that we may not take out time to have romantic moments together — but ‘us’ space is also important.
5 — Spending more time with the rest of the world
Have you ever noticed that we complain more when we have more time on our hands? Having a lot of time on our hands gives our mind a lot of room to wander. That doesn’t mean that we have to be ‘busy’ or ‘productive all the time’ but engaging our mind that is racing half the time into something meaningful is important. There may be times when I really miss my partner, but when I go for a lunch with a friend, watch a movie with my sibling, have a family game night at home, engage in a creative brainstorming session with my boss, go for a walk with my neighbour, play with my dog, plan my girls trip for the summer, or even write my imaginary ted-talk speech, I realize that my partner is not the be-all and end-all of life.
6 — Doing more for our partner
It’s a weird sense of joy that a lot of us feel when we do more for others. A Harvard Business School study found that those who spent money on others were decidedly happier than those who spent more on themselves. I also strongly believe that most people catch on… the more you give to them, the more likely they are to think about giving back to you. Buy that present, plan that trip, meet their friends, spend some time learning something they like, take them on a date, be more for them — giving is contagious! And after all, they are important to you, right?
7 — Understanding our own needs in a relationship
A lot of the times we face problems because we don’t know what we want or what we need. We only know what we ‘should’ need or want. But what makes me happy may not make you happy. A simple and effective way to figure out what we like in a relationship or what we want from a partner is to identify our own Love Language. I also sometimes ask myself questions — what has made me happy in my past relationships, what disappointed me, what is not such a deal big for me but seems to matter to other people for some reason. Writing down some of this gives me more clarity. Sometimes I even write a sentence down and think ‘actually this is not true. This other point is more important to me than this one.’ Of course, as we grow our needs may change but this way, we are more in-touch with what is important to us in a relationship — you don’t want to be in a relationship just for the sake of it!
8— Being practical from time to time
I love being in love and I would want everyone to experience that. But you can’t love being in love all the time. Being with another person (dating them or sharing a life with them) is a lot. After growing up to be your own individual self, you make room for this other person. It’s okay to be practical once in a while — make a list of pros and cons or imagine (literally close your eyes and play) a day together if you ended up with this person for good. My father once told me that women think men will change after marriage but they never do and men think women won’t change after marriage but they always do. It would be unfair for me to assume that what my father said is always true… but he has a point. It’s not always going to end up the way to think it will — so switch on your realistic side from time to time. My father also told me that I should live with someone before I get married (if I get married). Being in love with someone where you meet them once a week or once in 3 months (or more if you’re doing long distance) is not the same as living with them 24/7. Love is the most beautiful feeling in the world — but it can’t be my everything.
9 — Expressing more love to ourselves
Why can’t I buy myself a valentine’s day present or just a present on any day of the year? Why can’t I buy a movie and yummy food for myself to celebrate my own success? Why can’t I give myself a hug? It’s okay to do things for ourselves. It’s okay to love ourselves. If we only give all the love we have to external factors (in this case our partner), it’s going to leave us empty, without anything left for ourselves.
It upsets me when people tell their partner “I can’t live without you.” Either it’s a lie and people just say it for effect #liars or they actually feel it and that makes me uncomfortable. It’s okay for someone to want to spend the rest of my life with their partner… but why do they have to neglect or disrespect their own life in the process? We can love someone and love ourselves at the same time (and in no order).
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
